🐴🌈 HORSE TESTICLES, LUBRICANT AND JUST ANOTHER DAY AT WORK ☕😂
I was shopping at the local mall 🛍️ when my phone rang. 📱
It was a lady who was worried about her stallion and was looking for some help. 🐴 She said he had some swelling around his sheath, and she wanted to talk through what was going on.
Now when somebody rings me worried about their horse, I need to actually concentrate 🤔 and wandering around a shopping mall while trying to discuss a horse’s anatomy isn’t particularly helpful. 😂
So, I found a café ☕, ordered a coffee, sat down and rang her back. 📱
There was an older lady at the next table having coffee and cake. ☕🍰 She smiled at me as I sat down and I smiled back. 😊
Right, let's see what's happening with this horse. 🧐
“What sort of swelling are we talking about?”
The owner explained what she could see.
“Okay. And where exactly is it?”
More explanation.
“So it goes right back towards his testicles?”
Yes.
“Have you checked his testicles themselves?”
The lady at the next table looked across. 👀
I carried on.
“Do they both feel normal?”
Yes.
“Same size?”
Yes.
“Good.” 👍
I took a drink of my coffee. ☕
“And what about his penis? Is he dropping it normally?”
The lady next to me stopped eating her cake. 🍰😳
“Yes, that’s what I mean. Can he get it all the way out?”
Apparently he could.
“And he’s quite happy for you to handle it?”
Yes.
“Brilliant.” 👍😂
Now I’m completely engrossed 🤔 because I’m trying to work out whether something is going on inside the sheath, whether there’s an injury, whether something is irritating him, or whether the swelling is actually coming from somewhere else. 🐴
“If he’s happy for you to do it, I’d give it a really good clean. Use plenty of lubricant so you don’t make him sore, get all the crusty bits off and have a proper look.”
By now the waitress was cleaning the table beside me. 🧽👀
“Have a good look around the shaft as well. Feel all the way around it and see if you can find anything unusual.”
The owner had already had quite a good look.
“Okay. When he drops it, how much can you actually see?”
She gave me a rough idea.
“No, I mean roughly how long?”
There was a pause.
“About 18 inches?” 📏😳
I took another drink of my coffee. ☕
The waitress was still cleaning the table. 🧽
In fact, she’d been cleaning it for quite some time. 👀😂
It must have been the cleanest table in New Zealand. ✨🧽✨🇳🇿
Anyway. 😂
“So when he’s fully erect, does everything look normal?”
There was an almighty spluttering noise beside me. ☕😳
I looked across and the older lady had apparently inhaled her coffee. 😱☕
She was coughing into her napkin, her eyes were watering and she was going increasingly red. 😳
“Sorry, I’m going to have to ring you back.”
I put my phone down 📱 and went straight over to help her.
“Are you alright?”
By now the waitress had come over as well and between us we were trying to make sure the poor woman could actually breathe.
For a moment there I genuinely thought I might have to call an ambulance. 🚑😳
Eventually the coughing subsided, she got her breath back and assured us both that she was fine. 😮💨👍
I was just about to sit back down when she looked at me. 👀
“I’m very sorry to hear about your friend. I do hope he’s going to be alright.”
“My friend?” 🤨
“Yes.”
And for a couple of seconds I genuinely had no idea what she was talking about.
Then the penny dropped. 💡😳
“IT’S A HORSE!”🐴😂
I could actually feel myself colouring up with embarrassment. 😳🙈
She stared at me.
“A horse?” 😮
“Yes! A stallion. I’m talking about a stallion.” 🐴
She put her hand on her chest.
“Oh thank goodness. I thought you were talking about some poor man!” 😮💨🤣🤣🤣
Well, that was it. 😂
The entire cafe started laughing......
The two women behind the counter started laughing. 😂😂
The waitress was doubled over. 🤣🤣
And the older lady, who I’d nearly killed with her own coffee thirty seconds earlier, started laughing so hard she began coughing all over again. ☕🤣😳
At which point I thought we might need that ambulance after all. 🚑😂😂
And I’m standing there absolutely mortified 🙈😳 because God only knows what these people thought I did for a living. 🤣Although judging by what they’d just overheard, I’m fairly certain horse troubleshooting 🐴 wasn’t anywhere near the top of the list. 😂😂😂
🌈🐴 OMG, my world is so far away from normal. lol 😊😂☕🐴
